Transgender Gaslighting

Gaslighting is "a form of mental abuse in which false information is presented with the intent of making victims doubt their own memory, perception, and sanity" (from Wikipedia).

For us trans folks, the entire world collaborated on one giant gaslighting campaign for our entire pre-transition life. Everything in the world that we could perceive (even our own bodies!) told us that we were not who we knew we were. It is incredible to me that trans folk can break this cycle. And yet we do, time after time.

This just speaks volumes to me of how powerful our inner knowledge of our own gender really is. We can still suss out who we are, despite decades of constant mental abuse.

Post-transition gender gaslighting is not going to change our perceptions. Because we know strongly enough who we are that no amount of it could sway us from transition.

Sorting

I'm going through old boxes of stuff when I found a bunch of hand made items that had the old name on them, made by my grandmother. I'm used to the annoyance of this, so I'm sorting and tossing the ones with the old name and keeping the ones that have no name on them. I pick up one I really like and grimace at the tag attached to it... then see that the tag says Heather on it. Tears of joy began pouring down my face. Not just at knowing that my grandmother wrote it there and all that implies, but the sheer relief of seeing MY name rather than the name that oppressed me for so long.

Names and pronouns have a profound effect on trans folk. Go find a trans folk you love and give them a huge hug and use their real name when you tell them you love them.  =)

"You're transgendered, aren't you?"

"You're transgendered, aren't you?"

That's almost like asking someone if they had cancer when they were young. Or were abused as a child. Why yes, I was trans, thank you for bringing up such a painful subject. Why don't you give me a paper cut and pour lemon juice on it or something.

Why is the answer going to be useful to you? Examine your reasons for asking, especially as one of the first questions you ask me.

Does it help you understand me better? No it doesn't, if you've met one trans person... you've met ONE trans person. Despite our shared affliction, we are probably nothing alike.

Maybe you want to tell me that I'm obviously trans. That's lovely. No wait, it is horrible.

Are you concerned I have the wrong bits? If I feel that will be something you would need to know, I'll tell you when I feel comfortable doing so (and before it is an issue).

Is it wrong of me to want you to see me as a woman first to maybe help break a few stereotypes you might have?

Happy Birthday to me!

As of today, it has been one year since I started transitioning.  It's also been slightly more than 6 months since I went full-time as me.  I took my first estrogen pill on June 1st of last year.  Since then, I've had quite a roller coaster ride of a life.  My wife divorced me.  I now only see my kids part of the week rather than every day.  I have made a ton of new friends, about half of whom are trans.  I realized that I am indeed a lesbian.  Despite the fact that I've primarily dated women my entire life, I had to make sure I wasn't suppressing some latent attraction to men.  I wasn't.  I had to go on disability from my job because of the stress and depression brought on by all these changes.  I've learned a lot about myself and how I interact with others.  And I've had the most wonderful days of my life.

Changes

I am a transwoman, I started my transformation last year, and it has been a fascinating process. A lot of the changes I expected: thinner body hair, more hair on top of my head, vocal shifts, softer skin, breast growth, etc. However, there are a few that nobody warned me about and I didn't expect:

I get cold more easily. I guess testosterone makes the body burn more energy constantly. I used to be a very warm-bodied person, my ex called me her heater, since she gets cold easily as well. I am no longer a heater. It's not a bad thing, just very much an unexpected difference.

My consciousness moved. The spatial location in my head that I identify as me has moved closer to my eyes. I don't know if that's just from the hormone changes or if it is simply an adjustment of perspective because I am now living a more authentic life. I know it sounds kind of hokey, I can hardly believe it myself, but here I am experiencing it, so there.

My nails chip all the time! No, see... I've always grown out my nails, even when I presented as male. They never ever chipped this often. Argh! I don't know if it is the nail polish, the hormones, or maybe even the change in my diet since I started hormones, but it is annoying. I took some biotin supplements for several months, but that didn't seem to help at all. Oh well.

My eyes are cuter. Might be from the weight loss (I lost 55lbs since I started the transition). It might be because I am happier. But to me, my eyes seem more open and my eyelashes are a little thicker. Yay.

I no longer play games to escape. I play still games, but now it is just to have fun or for the challenge. I don't need to escape the real world anymore. I've actually gotten kind of fond of the real world now that I am living authentically.

Just some fun little tidbits I thought I'd share, since they amuse me so.

Dear Social Security,

Why are you so interested in the state of my genitals? You won't ever see them or interact with them. They are called private parts for a reason. If it's THAT important to you, YOU pay for the damned surgery.

The other agencies (the California court, the DMV, the passport agency), don't seem to care. They just want to know that I've had proper clinical treatment for transition. That seems a reasonable request.

Why is this important to you? The gender marker doesn't even appear on the card you issue. I don't even know why the marker is in your database. The lady at the counter looked at my court order and scoffed at the part where it says that the court orders my gender be changed. Apparently some SS offices are fine with just a court order, and that's enough. But not this one. So it is sort of a crapshoot.

So this office (or maybe it was just the lady) wants proof that I did the surgery. How is that even her business?

Luckily, I can still get my new driver's license with my new gender on it without dealing with the SS (I only really need the SS office to change my name), the DMV doesn't care about that crap. But I'm going to have this odd mismatch with the SS marker until I can convince them to fix it. Annoying!

A note about transgender surgery: This is not a one-size-fits all solution. Not all bits start out the same, not everyone can afford 20 to 80 grand, not everyone is healthy enough that the surgery is safe for them, and not everyone even WANTS to do it for various personal reasons.

Conference: New and Improved

In the LDS church, they have this thing called General Conference. Every 6 months, there are these broadcasts of talks given by the highest authorities for the church.  As a kid, these conferences kind of were great nap opportunities, though some of the talks were humorous or interesting enough to keep us awake. As I got older, I was able to absorb and understand them better.

Mostly those talks made me feel like I was doing things wrong. That I wasn't good enough in various ways (Which is really what the LDS church is all about, but that's a subject for a different post). Of course around 2006, they started directly attacking "gender confusion" as "wicked". (I think that was the first time I noticed a direct reference to transgender issues in the church. The reference only helped me realize I was not alone, though.)

But there was really something comforting about the format, being taught via these seemingly wise folks.

Well... I found a replacement. And best of all, it makes me feel great about myself, is way more fun, and doesn't retread the same tired material over and over again. I'm learning something real. Something that I can actually use in my every day life to improve myself and my world around me.

TED Talks.

Here are a few really awesome talks I've watched recently:

http://youtu.be/yqc9zX04DXs

http://youtu.be/PktUzdnBqWI